If I Were An Expert #3: Video Games

This blog will take the form of an essay.  I do not like video games.

HERE'S WHY:

(sorry I haven't been posting I tried to write a Nove(mber)l but it turned out I had a poem inside of me)

Video games do not have stories, only "objectives."  This teaches the children who are playing video games that nothing is really happening around them, and that they should only succeed. 

ALL video games have violence, ALL of them.  That includes Pac-Man!  Even Tetris has lasers that destroy the buildings!  I don't know why people can't make ONE video game that's just like a game you play with "friends."

But then there are SOME video games that take the violence to the extreme, even to death.  THESE are the true horror.  Some are called "Halo" or "Grand Theft Otto" and the worst thing is that they cause addictions, just like drugs.  But what one has to think about is is it the playing the game that is addictive...

...Or the killing?

In conclusion, video games are bad because of violence and death and objectivism.  Also when you are playing a girl, the camera looks RIGHT at her butt.

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers

If I Were An Expert #2: Astrology

Astrology is something I would like to be an expert at!  Astrology is about stars and constellations, I think.  (joke) No wait, that's Astronomy!  Astrology is REALLY about how if you are born certain times, you get an animal and it "determines" what kind of person you are.  This is why people who are born at the EXACT SAME TIME turn out to be twins!

If I were an expert I would guess that the "science" of astrology (the "ology" means science, and "astro" is... the Super-Dog?  Weird!!!) has something to do with the weather.  If you were born in the winter, that means that your mom got pregnant around the previous spring!  It is always exactly nine months, which is why there are people being born every day.

ARIES is a "ram" (a goat) and is the first astrology you can have.  "Arieses" love to run around and get into trouble.  He does a lot of things!  Sounds fun, but scary.

TAUROS is a bull.  But instead of charging around into things, THIS bull loves stability and keeping things normal!

GEMINI is a... twins?  THAT'S not an animal!

CANCER is a crab.  I don't want to have HIS name.  Cancer has a lot of love, and likes to stay in his "shell" (their home).

LEO is a lion (wow!)  Lions are "extroverts" which means they have "extra feelings."  Oh my!

VIRGO is "a virgin."  Wow, REAL ORIGINAL, zodiac (the name for the astrology thingy).  Modest?  Now you're just making fun!

LIBRA has "the scales."  They are nice and gentle... not like the lizards I know!

SCORPIO is "the scorpion."  Jeez, what is up with these names?  Scorpions are quiet and "withdrawn..." until they STRIKE"

SAGGITARIUS is the archer.  They're really positive and creative!  Then why do they shoot arrows at people?.

Hilarious!

Capricorn is a goat.  Wasn't there already a goat?  Couldn't they even come up with TWELVE animals?  They're serious and independent, the EXACT OPPOSITE of the other goat!  The astrologers must have forgotten halfway through.  If I were an expert, I'd change Capricorn to a penguin, or Aries to a bull.


AQUARIUS is a "water carrier."  A camel, I guess?  They're helpful AND attractive.  Wow, I guess I like Aquarius!

PISCES is "the fishes."  I don't know why more than one.  I guess if you are born in Gemini or Pisces times, you will be twins?  That doesn't make a lot of sense to me!  Anyway, Pisces tend to be popular cause they aren't bossy.  I wish my dad were a Pisces!

What's your astrology?  Can you guess what mine is?  It should be obvious if you carefully read my blog post here!

No Time to Write Today

Today I am going to a parade!  I will be outside until I sleep.

Here's a funny picture I found for you:

Thanks!!!

With all my hopes and dreams,

YOU know the rest!

Barney Newbold

 Dear blog readers:

In case you haven't noticed, I love to blog on my blog!  I am a "blogger."  When I am killed, it will say "Matthew Elpiejumpers: BLOGGER" in big letters. 

I love blogging and I LOVE BLOGS.  Other blogs that I have read include some that I found on Google.com.  I also love websites!  I am yet to find another person who loves blogs and websites as much as I do.  Until NOW, that is.

I was looking on one GREAT website about rookie baseball cards, called "rookie-baseballcards.com."  If you want to be linked to that from my blog, go to "Http://www.rookie-baseballcards.com."  I was looking at this website and I saw a comment by "Barney Newbold" that says

"The website writer carries a certain talent to describe truly excellent topics. Reads the website is really nice and you will find naturally a lot of regular website visitors. No miracle, while using great content material. In any circumstance, it was a delight to commit time on your web site and understand the interesting posting."

I said "Wow!"  Barney had expressed everything that my heart was trying to think about this website, even though he clearly didn't speak English very wellly.  I immediately looked him up on Facebook.com, hoping that we could be Facebook.com "friends" and maybe real "friends" as well too, but there is no Barney Newbold on Facebook.com.  I also tried myspace.com, in case he is old or has an unsuccessful music band, but he is not there either.  I thought it was cool that Barney Newbold loves websites like rookie-baseballcards.com but not the big ones like Facebook.com or myspace.com, and then I wanted to be "friends" with him even more.

A Google.com search for "Barney Newbold" showed SEVENTY-FOUR RESULTS.  Wow, this guy really gets around, even though he isn't on Facebook.com!  He used to post on a LOT of blogs about baseball cards, responsible drinking during parents' weekend at Wesleyan University, creative crafts and jewelry,  the Blackberry Storm (maybe he was leaving comments from a Blackberry storm!!! I want one!), bankers, and shoes!  All of his comments are very nice, like:

"The blog site article author features a specific ability to describe truly fine topics. Reads the weblog is truly good and there are obviously a lot of normal website visitors. No wonder, with the fine content material. In any situation, it was a delight to invest time in your web site and examine the exciting write-up."

Or

"Most information sites often copy other websites or internet websites of newspaper publishers and magazines. Subscribe to this blog here I like that you can find unique posts that you could hardly come across elsewhere. Fortunately, you will find nonetheless these types of information sites, please continue! I can no longer see the popular media. It is there so much junk composed, I bear it no much more soon. A actually pleasant blog site, regards."

This is a REFRESHING break from other comments like these:

"It appears like you’re creating troubles yourself by attempting to solve this situation rather than taking a look at why"

By "Ride Snowboards."  What on EARTH does that have to do with snowboards?  Also, why what?  Finish your thought, dummy!

Some of these posts are clearly done by computer programs who are probably "phishing."  I am very glad that I have only seen three comments so far that were "suspicious" (see under my last post, people were talking about s***s and their v*****s)!  I wish I had more people like Barney posting on my blog, who were nice and wanted to tell me I was doing an okay job.

Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending.  I also found THIS on Google.com, in a newspaper:

"Until death do us part
Mr. Barney Newbold died suddenly on Thursday evening. Barney was one of the most muscular men in Lansdale and weighed over 200 pounds. He was adopted and raised by Mr. Barney Fisher and for some time had been employed in Long’s brick yard. Several years ago he married Miss Fox and last year built for himself a snug little house on Fourth Street.
He commenced to complain on the Saturday previous to his death
but slept well that night It is the opinion of his physician that on Saturday, which was extremely warm, he re- ceived a partial sunstroke and that his illness was augmented by the drinking of too much water.
He was rational Sunday morning but when his wife called him to breakfast, he failed to rise and she went for the physician but the poor fellow passed into a comatose condition from which he never roused."

So there you have it.  Barney Newbold, a muscular man from Landsdale, Pennsylvania, who was probably a banker, wore Air Jordans, had a Blackberry Storm and had a kid in Wesleyan University, died in May 2008 and had an article in the newspaper about it.  Now he can never comment on blogs again.

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers

Hopes and Dreams #3: No More Prostitutes

Today I would like to come out (nooooo, not like that) on a very special issue to me.  I am speaking of course of the horrible truth that people are prostitutes all over the country, and probably others too.

It is my hopes and dreams that some day the police and the government will stop people from being prostitutes.  Because there are prostitutes, people think it is too easy to get sex or that they can get sex by spending money.  These people are not in love!  Also, these prostitutes are charging a whole lot of money.  This way some people who are "addicted to sex" are spending all of their money on prostitutes or "hookers" who are not their wives, and that leaves their wives and children without any money for food.  Why do people do this if they have their wives?  If their wives are too ugly or don't want to have sex with them, why were they married in the first place?  These problems are nonsensical, and could be solved by getting rid of the prostitutes.

Meanwhile, these prostitutes or "whores" are getting a whole lot of money from prostituting (is this a word?  I'll have to ask a police officer) themselves, much more money than they could make from a lawful job, like a waitress, or even a stripper (middle ground??).  I've heard that they spend a lot of this money on prostitute outfits (feathers, bras), alcohol, and even drugs, a lot of the time.  Many prostitutes claim to be drug addicts, but this is a poor excuse.  If they were made to stop being prostitutes, they wouldn't have any more money to buy their drugs with, so they would go through "withdrawal" and not be addicted to drugs anymore. 

I would like to point out that men can be prostitutes too!  They just do the opposite thing, and are harder to find.

I do not think that it would be hard for the police officers to get rid of all the prostitutes.  The problem is that many of these police officers, and even their bosses in the government, use prostitutes to have sex.  This is almost a form of "lobbying" that prostitutes do.  It is definitely like "lobbying" in that the prostitutes let people onto their "ground floors"!

But no, I shouldn't joke about prostitutes.

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers

Hopes and Dreams #2: Updating Every Day

I had a Hopes and Dreams yesterday but I forgot what it was and then I also forgot to write about it on my blog.  I guess when I said that I would update every day I possibly meant that I would have one update per day, "on average," which is something that I have absolutely accomplished.

I would love to become more consistent and develop work ethics.  I think they used to teach that at school, but science is developing faster than philosophy so we have to spend more of high school on that.  I would rather have learned work ethics than science because I would really need both to be a scientist so that's wasted anyway.

If I had work ethics I could update this blog every day and also do all of my homework and it wouldn't be hard.  Instead I was raised to be lazy so I have been listening to a lot of music and thinking about books I want to read.

Do YOU have work ethics?  If so, how come?  Leave multiple comments!

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers

If I Were An Expert #1: Biologist

I've been thinking a lot lately about "experts."  What makes an expert?  I don't know.  All I know is that talk shows and the news love to "bring in" "experts" to talk about subjects that most people don't think they know much about.  A lot of these experts have really different opinions, so it makes me wonder whether some of these experts are really using all this expert knowledge they're supposed to have.

("Expert" is a weird name.  Did they used to be pert?  "Expert" sounds like something a sad aging man would call his wife)

Anyway this makes me think I should do a "blog column" about the things I would say if I were an expert.  First I am going to be an expert biologist.

If I were an expert biologist I would believe in evolution.  I have heard that there is a lot of evidence that people used to be monkeys and monkeys used to be fish and that fish used to be germs.  I am still confused about where the germs came from, though.  Maybe Adam and Eve were germs?  I don't want to bring other people's religions into my expert argument, so let's just say that the germs evolved from smaller dumber germs.

If I were a biologist I would think that having sex is okay.  There are lots of good reasons to have sex which is why our brain wants to do it so much.  There is a whole "reproductive system" so that we can!  That would be like saying that it is not okay to eat, even though we have stomachs.  There are other things that we don't have systems for, like murder or pollution.  Those activities are not right so we did not "evolve" parts of ourselves that do those things.

What questions would you ask a biologist, or what biological facts do you know?  Tell your "friends" they can leave comments too!

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers