If I Were An Expert #2: Astrology

Astrology is something I would like to be an expert at!  Astrology is about stars and constellations, I think.  (joke) No wait, that's Astronomy!  Astrology is REALLY about how if you are born certain times, you get an animal and it "determines" what kind of person you are.  This is why people who are born at the EXACT SAME TIME turn out to be twins!

If I were an expert I would guess that the "science" of astrology (the "ology" means science, and "astro" is... the Super-Dog?  Weird!!!) has something to do with the weather.  If you were born in the winter, that means that your mom got pregnant around the previous spring!  It is always exactly nine months, which is why there are people being born every day.

ARIES is a "ram" (a goat) and is the first astrology you can have.  "Arieses" love to run around and get into trouble.  He does a lot of things!  Sounds fun, but scary.

TAUROS is a bull.  But instead of charging around into things, THIS bull loves stability and keeping things normal!

GEMINI is a... twins?  THAT'S not an animal!

CANCER is a crab.  I don't want to have HIS name.  Cancer has a lot of love, and likes to stay in his "shell" (their home).

LEO is a lion (wow!)  Lions are "extroverts" which means they have "extra feelings."  Oh my!

VIRGO is "a virgin."  Wow, REAL ORIGINAL, zodiac (the name for the astrology thingy).  Modest?  Now you're just making fun!

LIBRA has "the scales."  They are nice and gentle... not like the lizards I know!

SCORPIO is "the scorpion."  Jeez, what is up with these names?  Scorpions are quiet and "withdrawn..." until they STRIKE"

SAGGITARIUS is the archer.  They're really positive and creative!  Then why do they shoot arrows at people?.

Hilarious!

Capricorn is a goat.  Wasn't there already a goat?  Couldn't they even come up with TWELVE animals?  They're serious and independent, the EXACT OPPOSITE of the other goat!  The astrologers must have forgotten halfway through.  If I were an expert, I'd change Capricorn to a penguin, or Aries to a bull.


AQUARIUS is a "water carrier."  A camel, I guess?  They're helpful AND attractive.  Wow, I guess I like Aquarius!

PISCES is "the fishes."  I don't know why more than one.  I guess if you are born in Gemini or Pisces times, you will be twins?  That doesn't make a lot of sense to me!  Anyway, Pisces tend to be popular cause they aren't bossy.  I wish my dad were a Pisces!

What's your astrology?  Can you guess what mine is?  It should be obvious if you carefully read my blog post here!

If I Were An Expert #1: Biologist

I've been thinking a lot lately about "experts."  What makes an expert?  I don't know.  All I know is that talk shows and the news love to "bring in" "experts" to talk about subjects that most people don't think they know much about.  A lot of these experts have really different opinions, so it makes me wonder whether some of these experts are really using all this expert knowledge they're supposed to have.

("Expert" is a weird name.  Did they used to be pert?  "Expert" sounds like something a sad aging man would call his wife)

Anyway this makes me think I should do a "blog column" about the things I would say if I were an expert.  First I am going to be an expert biologist.

If I were an expert biologist I would believe in evolution.  I have heard that there is a lot of evidence that people used to be monkeys and monkeys used to be fish and that fish used to be germs.  I am still confused about where the germs came from, though.  Maybe Adam and Eve were germs?  I don't want to bring other people's religions into my expert argument, so let's just say that the germs evolved from smaller dumber germs.

If I were a biologist I would think that having sex is okay.  There are lots of good reasons to have sex which is why our brain wants to do it so much.  There is a whole "reproductive system" so that we can!  That would be like saying that it is not okay to eat, even though we have stomachs.  There are other things that we don't have systems for, like murder or pollution.  Those activities are not right so we did not "evolve" parts of ourselves that do those things.

What questions would you ask a biologist, or what biological facts do you know?  Tell your "friends" they can leave comments too!

With all my hopes and dreams,

Matthew Elpiejumpers